Broken Mirror
At first, the start is always hard, but we'll get there on time...
I've grown up between two worlds, indigenous and everyday citizen/ city life.
Living not between but among both worlds allowed me to build a different personality, with a more sensitive vision, more accurate over the universe and becoming this lonely wolf witch I'm not proud of.
For me, God and Devil are written with capital letters. One is loved the other respected, one makes love, the other does sex, one reads poems, the other whispers in the ear, one is joy the other is madness.... Raised on a strict religious discipline, do not follow the path of God but also I'm not hung on the tail of the devil ... I went for mine.
I feel no need to hide that vanity has always walked with me without having taken control of my way of being. Among all the adventures of normal life, Love and unrequited loves, triumphs and defeats, a beautiful night ended up going to a bar drinking coffee at “Docas de Lisboa” the docks of Lisbon. I felt good, my ego was well fed, looked after my physical well-being that contributed less to pass unnoticed.
Unnoticed is one of the most described situations in this book.
Until the year 2000 came to be, at primary school, my "borrowed" grandparents asked to continue my education as they had a quietier life. I've traveled then to the village of Penamacor, Beira Baixa and there enjoyed an enviable childhood, pure and natural but in many solitary moments. My Christian religious education has not decided my belief. I am an atheist but I respect all religions, I understand the phenomenon of "Fatima" but I do not agree with the exaggerated sacrifices because I think this site should be a place of joy, not of profound sorrow. I have an interesting friend. It's Indian, Hindu, one of the cultures of India, a little different from the Muslim, both in language and customs and of course, religion. It is renowned photographer and uses the "artistic" name Veggie, a form of camouflage that his profession that has of course photographs of "naked" which he said could be misinterpreted by some family members or close friends more conservative. We regularly have dinner when we met at events.
-----------------------------------pag 1
My friend rejects any kind of meat or fish. Not pure vegetarian in a global sense because they drink cow's milk, a sacred animal in their culture. In fact, for him all animals deserve respect (I agree). About Alcohol he is not so strict but also is a cultural exclusion in the diet. These facts have never stopped him from having dinner together and never in any restaurant was difficult to serve a complete meal to his liking.
The family level is more complex and realized why the Hindu men can have more than one wife. The family ends when there are no male children to continue. Since the wife is unable to give a male child, this may look for another partner to give him the male offspring.
There will always be a reason for some to justify what cannot be justified for others or what is accepted by some and not by others.
After primary school came the period in which utmost marks us for the future ... the adventures of youth ...
Delighted with my country life, envied by belonging to another world, I would still remember my childhood delights. Swam in a river that ran next to my bedroom window. Fell asleep with the melody of the water flow witch would vary depending on the season. In fact my house and my grandfathers, was a water mill that made wall to the river.
The door would open up every morning to a form of a balcony overlooking nature.
Green invaded my eyes and the soundtrack was composed by birds delirious from waking to another day. It was a small balcony and to the right would of lost the water of the river between the trees and bushes well fed, strong and fiery.
And I spent some of my moments admiring my world every day and recorded the maid and changes from mother nature.
-----------------------------------pag 2
Many summer afternoons, swam in those waters alone, alone but not lonely. Each piece of this nature belonged to me but most of all is that I belonged to it, my soul lived there.
My grandmother threatened me that one day I would be called the father of the cats, because they did not live without me and they were family to me. Never slept alone. One of the cats slept all night hugging my neck, the other nestled in my lap. In a sleep-walking choreography, changed sleeping position on a triple act. I and my two friends turned us gently and everything fit again for the continuity of the resting.
So, in those shallow waters, swam like my habitat. I then decided to close friendship with a frog, she watched me swimming all day. Every time she consented to swim closer to her until I decided, relaxed, to get her. She accepted even though briefly. Never fled far away at a time until she finally relented and ... I took her upon my chest for a short walk in those waters. And for a while, every afternoon there I was and she always waited for me in her rock waiting for our small tour next to my body.
But my grandmother's concerns grew up, as she feared the worst because I could not swim.
One day, in one of those sadistic acts but rooted in society, my grandfather decided to put the baby kittens in a bag and throw them to the riverside. My grandmother warns me and we both went to spy on where the old man would have released them. Predictable, of course. The act was so despicable as was the location chosen. While peering over a stone wall with weather-resistant marks of ancient artists I saw in the water a baby kitten swimming trying to survive and perhaps counting the time to be saved by his mother. I did not hesitate. I jumped while my grandmother shouted in panic by madness but quickly calmed down a bit when she realizes this ultimately courage and that I kept the secret that I knew and could swim. At that moment I felt extremely happy, I saved my friend and I filled my "grandmother" of pride for the courage but mostly that I could swim and this would be a part of my survival.
-----------------------------------pag 3
Hence, I'll always be part Indian, part city person.
Later on, my youth adventures were spent in this world of mine and there I've met Pura.
Pura was a beautiful girl, morning sky colored eyes, light hair, princess skin with tender manners and delicate. Very intelligent and shared with me all the charms and love for nature, links to my world, shared with me the nights lying on a giant rock that was part of my mill.
Yes, because my mill was builded upon a rock that was also part of the side wall opposite to the riverside. Still remains part of that wall that served as a backrest, as if it were a stone sofa/ couch/divan. In fact it allowed us to travel through the stars every night, sharing fantasies, dreams, experienced/ life stories and much more .The sun was it's charge and recharge witch at night became a source of builded up heat . It was this heat and the stars that made up for the lackof comfort.
It was in one of those dives that Pura came out of the water as a mermaid and before she opened her water disturbed eyes and flow through that delicious body that I gave her first kiss with no chance of denial, such denial was not there no more after that moment ...
After many sharing, fantasies, touches and promises, the most explosive day arrived.
It was a beautiful night in the mill, one of those summer nights. The house of the mill was not the typical rounded architecture. It was a spacious house with two floors. The ceiling was designed by their own tiles, handled by small granite rocks that kept their positions unchanged. It was long; there was a solid wood door with a key like in hose King Castles. At the bottom of the door had an opening designed for cats to pass. At the entrance we’re able to envision at to the bottom, right side, a mini meeting room and kitchen. It was all the same because it was the ceiling less fireplace where was hung the old iron pot with legs, supported by an iron chain attached to the roof beams.
The smoke was circulated and exteriorized through the tiles arrows blackened by time and by the combustion of wood. On the far wall a little-used window, attached by a bolt of wood, carved into the huge stone pillar, sculptured to receive this fitting. On the left side hid my grandparents' room, with an iron railing bed and mattress of straw.
-----------------------------------pag 4
At entering the wooden floor creaked with every step like if that next step it would collapse all but human wisdom allowed him to survive firmly over the years. In the background, at the left was a room divided in two. The first bed was mine. Low, wooded, gave me the luxury of having two spaces torn in the stone. The bellow space was my bedside table; the upper space was the better for other things in my imagination.
But this night was beautiful and the whole family was in their time on vacation. I, Pura and her cousin Paula slept in the living room in a longitudinal disposition of the mattresses. Paula was on the left, Pura in the middle and sloping down slightly to my side, at their right. My mattress was slightly lower, helping Pura’s fall to my hand after realizing that all were already asleep. After all this, several minutes of intimate touches beneath the sheets, holding our gasping breath that both tried to disguise.
After falling for my mattress, our mouths did not split anymore, involved in tongs scams where our saliva did not run out. Surrounded by the image of that provocative and light nightgown my hands had already decorated all the way even with eyes closed. My excitement has lasted for well over an hour and the heart had already done an effort hard enough to go through an entire marathon. With slow movements, felines and silent, I was able to reach a position of power without anyone realizing it. I was finally on top of the most beautiful woman in the universe...
-----------------------------------pag 5
My hands have roamed the whole body as if it were a vicious circuit. I had the world at my feet and her body in my hands. Pura’s legs opened, where I fit a bit more, felt the warmth of the inside of those parts, with velvet skin. Finally I felt it with my finger. Through the panties, my hands had nothing else to report to. But there was still missing the final strike.
I knew I had to take her panties and that I had to deploy all of those positions without waking the neighbors. I also knew that after this action, if she consented, all the rest would happen. The desire mingled with anxiety and panic, the panic if she’d say No or if someone would wake up. My passion sighed softly in my ear and I just thought and imagine of her saying ... "Do not stop, please!" And my imagination delighted me.
Then I slid my hand from her neck, through her tense breasts, smelling, I went down around her waist, hook-shaped and as if by mistake, hooked my fingers on the side of the elastic of the her underwear. Pura tucked into a delicious surrender and at that moment my world spun at breakneck speed, my heart seemed to leap out of my chest, my tense body seemed to be fighting any sort of magnetism. The legs of my voluptuous mermaid began to close to allow the sliding of the clothes.
Now I had to start from scratch from beginning but this time a delicious beginning, certain of the pleasure, sweetened by a momentary passion unmatchable. I returned to the starting position, next to her delight at the touch of her skin. Those feminine hands, white, with marked veins by their poor circulation, were so gentle and slow that seemed intoxicated by the scent of bodies.
[...] 6-8 gap of translation...to continue.
Your hands I kiss
I had shared your house and sill today my tears drop. Yes, those tears that give pleasure to feel on the skin, warming a kept secret. There’s a memory photo that I will never forget. But before that I’m going to recall who you really were and how I found out I loved you.
You were a bored, mean, tough, intelligent old man but even so respected because you could write your name. I still remember, and that memory makes my tears drop and stops my writing ... I remember our funniest moment and how i made you writing what you were talking, gave you a timeless newspaper, made you read a whole page and saw you smiling as you were younger than myself. Caught by grandma in our happiness leaning over that old table, nailed to last until the end of time.
After this lap in time and recalling who you were, my grumpy old man, going to tell you the moment I discovered how I did loved you more than I ever wanted to admit:
- After changing my life I came back for a visit. Climbed the stairs and as walking into the room saw you sat on your allied chair in front of your old and timeless TV set. That item we use to disguised the loneliness WE offer you.
You smiled at me and your eyes allowed the last strength to be released, life you didn’t have any longer and in that second you have assumed the unavoidable defeat and I was there to witness.
I kneeled, gave you my hands and kissed you, felt the pain knowing I was so close to loose you, something I always tried to avoid feeling. It was even harder because you were lucid enough to tell me that with all your energy as it was your last resource, I had the most painful smile never assumed in words. Shame on time that doesn’t turn back so I could knee again and tell you what I’d been hidden. If you could listen to me now, tears make my writing take longer … recall your smile, your wrinkled hands holding mine with such strength that even that paralyzed sick hand won extra life. For the 1st time heard you talking with no words, you always had hidden your emotions but in that precious moment you grinned, cried, babbled and your blue eyes were as big as the world. You were alone every day lonely nearer to destiny and I did nothing, could do nothing… but I should had told you I loved you above all gods but didn’t say it.
Yes old man, this time I wouldn’t waste my change on a stage.
- We set way to the surroundings of Leiria where the show was going to be. Traveling with those guys made an easier way to spend time. We were all in a good mood even with Pereira’s sarcasm about Christmas in his Dracula’s show. “Nadal you won’t even need to buy Dracula’s teeth, you already have them and you can save the money”. Nadal was a stressed nervous guy handling the pressure with some grins and short answers even if they weren’t talking about next show. Still many kms to be done and he was taking notes about performers and their places, ignored by the other’s laughter.
Arrived at a huge disco, middle of nowhere with nobody. I was trying to disguise my unnerved pretending feeling great. Backstage details were discussed and I felt like an spectator assisting a table tennis match.
JP seemed decided to give me the “The Crow” role, a legendary thriller movie. I knew I wasn’t ready and asked Nadal for help, at the same time realized that was entering a black and white world. First envy sensation over me. Nadal just answered twice, the 3rd question showed I was just another one and it should be answered by fate. Realized friendship had a different meaning in some situations. Started over again JP and I.
While the others undressed I took my doubts but felt uncomfortable. I really had to look at them, at their asses, had no choice. I stared at them and got to a disturbing conclusion: they looked silly with no hair in their gluteal region, but the roles changed when they looked at me. I had more hairs in my butt than them in all their body. Thinking had to do the same made me feel disappointed.
But next step was even worse: was summertime, summer 2000, taking off my trousers and boxers still looked as having a towel around my waist. But it was only the white of my skin drawn in my suntanned body. Was told NOT to take off my boxers on stage, could pretend doing it but would never do it!
My first striptease show!
Waiting on the lobby for the sign that would made me go there, the stage, just a dancing floor. Strange feelings. Insecurity. My head was tilted to the floor and the stage seemed like a gladiator’s ring surrounded by lions.
Tried to control the body but the legs refused to obey, think that not even the darkness of the space helped to cover the situation. Not sure about what to do next, time seemed endless and tried to spend it by approaching a lady. Made a kind gesture but as she planned to come closer… run away afraid of being to audacious.
Everything was new, every second an unexpected discovery, myself that had never seen a male striptease show was doing it, dancing on the flow of my imagination.
And like that I got my 1st payment as stripper.
A stripper is a professional erotic dancer who performs a contemporary form of striptease at strip club establishments, public exhibitions, and private engagements. Unlike in burlesque, the performer in the modern Americanized form of stripping minimizes the interaction of customer and dancer, reducing the importance of tease in the performance in favor of speed to undress.
In http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stripper
From that moment on I won a new ally, Nito. He became the transportation in my dreams as well as PJ, whom I owned everything. Dreams always made part of my life I’m a instinctive dreamer. In a moment I’m on the clouds, next step it’s raining clouds melt and I’m on the floor. But I know sun will shine and I stand up for another earth walking, easily mixing dream and reality.
- One of my biggest mistakes when a child made me a wiser man.
Sem comentários:
Enviar um comentário